As Judy said leaving lunch the other day, "I just need to figure out how I want to spend my 40s." Although now for me, it's my 50s. And I'm already one year in. Today I'm 51. More funny to me, than upsetting. Like, "how'd that happen?!!!" "How'd I get here?" But I did. And thankfully, happily, it's been swell.
So what next? This whole year has been a continuation of engagement with an eye towards evolution. How to get clearer? More focused? More responsible financially? More in control of my time and energy? More fierce in my decisions? More in tune with what matters most to me? Those are the decisions. Those are the challenges. I feel the movement, little by little, though it's far from clear and defined. I'm feeling the movement, right on time I suppose. Now 51, my littlest finishing up high school. I'm sensing change all around me as well. People surprising me with their lurches...oh, not fair to call them lurches...with their evolutions too. It's false to assume the world is solid while you're changing. Everyone's changing. Some moments more than others.
A young friend brought tears to my eyes today as he spoke of the possibility of of retiring his dream. He had to. He's right, the world is changing in a way that probably can't sustain his vision. But he's great, and talented, and though I know better, though I was in fact moved by his tough honesty, part of me lurched, "no, no, no, not you! You can't throw in the towel. It's too sad, too devastating, it's been too long." But he's right to reassess, to consider the harsh realities. It's part of what makes him so special, rather than deluded, arrogant and annoying. But I can't bear the thought of him not creating. And I don't think he can live without creating either.
So what do we do with our dreams? How interesting that I've gotten to this age without the harshness overwhelming? But now the world is changing all around. I've been talking about my place in this world all my life. So what now, when the stakes are even higher and, to use a tired old cliche, the road rougher?