Trust me, they say

One of the big topics this year has been truth. And trust. And coming to terms with how much people lie. I mean really lie, like all the time. I'm always surprised because it's so not in my nature. I'm straight ahead. As honest as I know how to be, as much of the time as I can be. I guess that's the kicker... how our needs to be honest vary... As do our abilities. How much do the really good liars know they're lying? Or is it a reflex, beyond their conscious mind? I read somewhere that it takes an exceptional mind to be a good liar, to keep track. Something about how honesty is really just an excuse for the more simpleminded.

How honest can I be, if I'm blind to my own blindspots? As we're all said to be? The sands shift.

I used to be more self-righteous about it all. I've always been honest. "Blunt" to a fault. Perhaps. I've had to learn how to tone it down. As I've evolved, I've learned to perhaps say a little less and keep some things to myself. I used to be able to say, honesty mattered. Now I find myself categorizing my friends into the "straight up" and "lies-a-lot" categories. And I'm don't seem to be de-friending those "lies-a-lot." I just listen to them a bit differently. I trust them differently. You learn to trust how they're not honest. But friends nevertheless. The sands shift.

And it's not like it's always easy to tell. Stories are often self-serving. Our perspective does guide and blind us.

I know what makes me unique or appealing is how direct I am. It's why any of you who read this blog, like it. I say things others don't necessarily say. People can count on that. But lately I've been wondering how much that exposes me to being used. I expose what I'm thinking. Therefore the manipulators have an easy handle. I can't forget that along with my honesty tag, a childhood constant refrain was, "You're so gullible."

Defiantly I would respond, "yes. yes I am. And what's wrong with that? Why choose to live assuming others are bullshitting me?" What an added burden to have to live with constant doubt? But lately I just don't know. There's a lot of haziness around. I squint. I listen. I try to feel the truth. I've no idea if I can. It's a bit of a conundrum.