Years ago, my witty and wise astrologer, with whom I've talked for an hour, every year, for 25 years, said, "Work on your ego, I mean really work on it." I didn't know what she meant. I couldn't understand. Me? I'm too insecure to have an ego problem. What did that mean? Now I think I get it. It's a crazy seesaw. I spend half my life disconnected; in my life, enjoying it, but also somehow invisible and at a remove from my accomplishments. Things happen and I'm not clear about my cause and affect. (sic.) I guess I spend the rest of the time hungry. For attention? No. For credit? Sure. Not for visibility. Is acknowledgement the right word?
Watching Oprah on the telly in Wellington, NZ in 2004, she said that in her time interviewing, all anyone ever wanted was to be validated. To be acknowledged. I think I want the credit for the work. Is that egotistical, if it's not just about me? Well sure. That's exactly the problem. Now I think the crazy contortions of preferring the shadows yet feeling deserving is the rift. It creates an impossible situation.
I think I'm generous and giving, working for the greater good, until something happens which triggers me to be petty and pissed off. A perceived slight? Being left out? Someone ignoring how generous and giving I am? Hardly the Christian ideal. And while I'm nowhere near a Christian, nor desire to be, I see the paradox.
"Work on your ego. I mean really work on it."