Sunday, July 01, 2007

Blood Watch

OK boys, time to click elsewhere, you've been warned, TMI ahead.

Early on with this blog I started writing about my period. Then stopped as more people I know tuned in. But I've always loved talking and thinking about the monthly blood flow. I hate the wait, love the release. The flow itself a tie to life's lunar cycles, a connection to the stuff that keeps us alive, the drama, the richness, just another of life's messy liquids. Attached there's pain, discomfort, swelling. Too often there's pent up irritation waiting, waiting, waiting. But then, zah, often by surprise, the dam springs open. It's a letting go and tuning in. For years I thought about writing about it in depth - our most fundamental rhythm, this symbol of symbols, a source, from which so much else springs forth.

But now I'm at the place where that's changing. First the cycles came closer and closer. And then the blood increased. In amount and duration. Remarkable almost. How could there be so much yet still be OK? Just another day? I mean c'mon, blood is blood, whether it's gushing from your hands or elsewhere. Two years ago I started seeing an acupuncturist to manage the change. She was able to lengthen the cycles, decrease the bleeding. Until now. Now life's ready to move on - regardless. In February I started bleeding pretty much all the time. Some days lighter, some heavier (Boys - I told you to head elsewhere!). It continued into late April. Where it stopped. Completely. All that was left 28 days later was swollen breasts and a feeling of being on the verge. PMS to the max. Headaches, crankiness, any second, waiting for the blood to flow, waiting for the release. None came.

Oh, so this is it, eh? Had I bled out? But then I remembered, wait a minute, I know it's unlikely, but this is how I felt when I first became pregnant. So I used one of the EPT tests, itself an amusing ritual. They weren't around when I last conceived back in 1989. Negative. OK. So this is it I wondered. Will I stay this swollen and uncomfortable now forever? Two days ago I spot. Then again yesterday, in the middle of an all day meeting that I'd organized. Ok again, a spot. This morning the gush. It's red and wet. All through my system I feel the release and relief. Like a whoosy feeling. It's tangible this hormonal event. It reminds me of the crazy whoosh after childbirth - it lasts for days as your body crashes from the hormonal big deal. Like crashing from LSD.

But this time's there's another element. So I'm bleeding today. And maybe tomorrow. And maybe even next month. But maybe not. Definitely not forever. This time is coming to a end. And I realize I have to start saying goodbye to my friend (that quaint 50s euphemism growing more and more apt). It's been a vital connection to the life force. I'll miss it. I'll be curious to see what happens next.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Read your latest blog entry and I had to commiserate and empathize.

I had a conversation with a friend on Saturday about both of us having exactly the same experiences you describe….it did reminds me of the junior high slumber parties comparing notes on the other end of this lifelong shared experience….god I love my female friends!