Sunday, June 24, 2007

One blogger amongst the millions

For pretty much the first time today I started randomly reading blogs. I mean really randomly. Just clicking the Next button on the Blogger site. Inspired I suppose by the international clicks on this one. How do people find there way here? So I hit that "Next" button. And started to laugh; a Chinese blog, a Brazilian, track listings from a wild selection of classic and electric albums, but then I came upon one and stopped. And stayed. And read. And am still disturbed by it hours later. No, I'm not going to link to it, because I don't want to attract the blogger's attention. Posted by a guy I'm pretty sure. A true depressive and perhaps stalker. Two years of regular postings, each one more miserable than the next, yet shockingly consistent in their message. "I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm masking the pain going through the motions. I'm alone. I suck. I'm a loser. I'm unloveable. I'm invisible. Why doesn't she love me?"

It was excruciating yet I couldn't stop. On the one hand, it reminded me of the self indulgent whinings and pinings I started writing in H.S. I still have the tendency. It's just the unrelenting nature that's terrifying. No ups to the chronic downs. No identifying info either, this blogger could be anyone, anywhere. Writing weekly to mark their existence, despairing of the solitude, yet sure of an audience. Felt like a cautionary tale.

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