Glorious night here in Austin. The heat has finally cracked. It's still warm but now there's a touch of cool in the breeze.
Went back to salsa after a week away (movies! yes!). It felt like years. Not as nervous as usual. Not as needy. My real life providing a kind of cushion. I was back in the studio because I wanted to be. Familiar faces all around but I didn't engage. The instructor, who I find charming and funny, winked. The lesson began, I joined the crowd. First we do a warm up facing the mirror. Then we're told to find a partner. The look is so subtle as to barely exist. But we know each other now, so all it takes is the imperceptible nod. A guy I really like dancing with, doesn't nod, actually moves quickly across the room. Later, when we rotate together he says, "I haven't seen you in awhile." Oh. He noticed. But before that, for the first dance, another good guy sends the signal. In fact, tonight is nice because all the guys are ok. The dancing is starting to happen. Feeling more and more comfortable with all of them. A couple of guys ask if I'm testing out. "I've only been here two months. The teacher said to wait for three." They feign surprise, which I take as a great vote of support. There's a new guy in the room, bald, rotound, who's the coolest to dance with. And that's a delight. It's exciting to dance well with a stranger. It's actually fun. Since he's so good, are all his partners a pleasure? Wonder who he prefers to dance with.
It's been up and down over these last two months but tonight felt great. Oh still a little weird, how could it not be. Should I be pleased the super old guy really likes to dance with me? It kinda creeps me out but then again, he's not doing too badly...in fact his lead is strong. And who am I to complain he's old? Will I ever let go of worrying what they each think of me? That would be glorious. But it's ok anyway. It's harmless, it's fun, it's what feels right, right now.