Knee jerk no

I always say no first. Always. It's knee jerk. How about? NO! It feels too hard. I don't know how. I don't want to have to do it all myself. I'm sure it's too hard. But then someone else starts talking. And maybe someone else. And all of a sudden I'm pulled in. Why that's so interesting! What if you tried it this way? How about....? I'm off and running. Pulled in by the peer group. There's an alchemy that happens round a round table for me. Not for John. He mulls, he invents, he needs to do it solo. For me there's no magic until the conversation starts. Then I engage via dialogue. Surprising everyone, I guess with my ideas. Or maybe not. Maybe my peers are used to the knee jerk and just have to suffer through it, knowing the juicy stuff will come later. I'm sick of the cycle myself.

Recently I read The Year of Yes by Maria Dahvana Headley about an NYU grad student who was weary of her romantic bad choices. She decided to break out of the rut and say yes to every guy who crossed her path. Not sleep with them all, though she was wonderfully open, (some might say promiscuous but I prefer to say wonderfully open) but just to consider. The book is engaging and funny. Along with shocking in terms of some of the desires portrayed. Man, I'm glad I'm not single. But I"m glad she was, and glad she opened the door to my psyche. I'm declaring this my year of yes (well, I'm trying to but old habits are very, very, very hard to break.) I'm trying to make this my year of yes. I think yes I will.