The tree is up. And all our noses are already running. The tree is up, the ritual intact. Listening to the new perennial old Sinead O'Connor and last year's addition, Sufjian Steven's Avalanche. John brings down the xmas cds but I'm not in the mood. It's not til I sit down to write this that I realize I've chosen as my musical companions, two Christian rockers. Unconsciously chosen. Two of my favorites.
It matters to me, what's become my private ritual. Communing with my dead dad and all those memories of Christmases past. No drama or bad attitude this year. I've gotten over even the desire of anyone else helping. Although G. beautifully put up the porch lights, and John accompanied me to the tree lot. And I guess Wy gave me moral support. A couple of nights ago I mused to him that this would be the quietest xmas ever - just no presents for anyone. "And no tree?" "Of course a tree, I love having a tree." "Me too," he said. Surprising me. I actually didn't think anyone else cared. And then even tonight, as I've been shifting with my own feelings of it being too small, and how that feels disappointing, then of course thinking of Charlie Brown's little tree, and being grateful for everything that allows this life we have and even this tree, - Wyatt comes home and says, "I like this size. Last year's was too tall." (He's the best.)
I trim the tree and drink some tea from this little cast iron Japanese tea pot. It's a pot I coveted for years, back when I lived alone on Broome Street in Soho, and observed the holidays by window shopping on West Broadway. In particular stopping into the lovely little Japanese gift shop, Five eggs I think it was called? Endlessly desiring one of the iron teapots. It was too dear for me then. I just dreamed about it and coveted it. Probably the same way I felt about having a boyfriend. So funny now to realize, ok, the boyfriend locked in, 25 years and counting... the teapot acquired too, somewhere along the way. I can't exactly remember when. And whether I bought it for myself or received as a gift. I just know that I cherish it as much as I thought I would.