In the year or two before I actually started to skip periods, I began to experience an increasingly common feeling of irritability whenever my work was interrupted or I had to contend with a co-worker or employee who was not as committed to accomplishing the job as I was. Looking back, I recall that when I was in my thirties and my children were younger, their interruptions when I was in the middle of writing an article or talking on the phone were only mildly irritating to me. My love and concern for their welfare usually overrode any anger or frustration I might have felt.It's not a work thing so much for me, but clearly a rising intolerance aimed at those closest. For years I've been on the receiving end of that. The outburst of anger. Odd now to be the instigator. Maybe I should know better. Maybe it's unavoidable. This morning John asks, "So what about summer travel? Where would you like to go all things being equal?" And I become furious. Because in my view, things are not all equal. We've still got a 17-year-old at home, how can we pretend we have the freedom? But then of course I know what comes next. He'll start calling others, make some plans, will take off (which he can because he doesn't have to worry about leaving the son alone), and I'll be pissed off. Not exactly pissed off that I can't go because leaving a 17-year-old unchaperoned (even a great one!) isn't a great idea, but pissed at the charade that I had a choice.
But as I approached menopause, I found myself unable to tolerate distractions like my eighteen-year-old asking me, "When is dinner?" when she could clearly see I was busy."
In another instance I lashed out at a friend who I thought wasn't telling me the truth. He probably perceived it as a white lie. But to me that's the dividing line between those closer and less close. With the close, you're more straight, the honesty is the essence. In my code, white lies are for acquaintances. Yes, I'm aware that some others might see that exactly the opposite. But not me. Not right now.
It's going to be a challenging phase.
Uprising in me tonight
She's a vengeful little goddess
With an ancient crown to fight"