over and over and over again

In a long term marriage certain things get repeated over and over again. I remember my therapist back when I was in my early 20s, and seriously involved for the first time said, you work on things and he works on things and then you get to the place where you bump up against the things that neither one of you can change. For me the mantra I keep repeating is, It's not what you're saying, it's how you're saying it. I've been saying it over and over and over again. I wish I didn't have to.